Those weird Hollanders

The Dutch, or Hollanders as we call ourselves, are a special sort of people.  We tend to think of ourselves as being special but foreigners may have difficulties understanding us too.  Here are a few things you need to take into consideration when you visit the Netherlands (of course all very tongue in cheek, lol)

1. As a foreigner, don’t ever try to speak Dutch. Not only will you get an enormous headache but the Hollanders will not understand what you mean. Foreigners are supposed to speak English or Gibberish. Dutch people will always try to answer you in English … their English, that is. (They are just trying to be nice … be nice too and pretend to understand …LOL)

2. Don’t ever try to eat ‘drop’. (Dutch Licorice) Drop is a sort of candy that can only be eaten by Hollanders. It can be recognized by the colour: black. The taste is a blend between earwax and paint (black). Hollanders absolutely adore the stuff and eat many kilo’s of it. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners that were made to believe the stuff is actually edible.
(True! But we just don’t understand why you guys don’t like the stuff …LOL)

3. Don’t buy wooden shoes. They will look completely ridiculous. Which is the reason they will try to sell them to you. A Hollander himself would not want to be found dead wearing them. Preferably a Hollander doesn’t want to be found dead at all. (Strange, isn’t it?)

4. Hollanders do not like spending money. They would rather cut of an ear. A Hollander will be your friend for life if you give him something for free. This might explain the great success of McDonalds in Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true. (Also true …  Every shop owner in Northern Africa or the Middle East can utter at least one sentence in Dutch: “Kijken, kijken … niet kopen”, which means: “Just looking, just looking … not buying.” LOL)

5. Holland is small. It is sometimes rumoured that Holland is so small they take it inside when it’s raining. This is not true because it rains 365 days a year. This also explains the wooden shoes: they float. Yes…Holland is small and Hollanders are very proud of it. They will use any opportunity to say that Holland accomplished such great things for such a small country. (But we DID!)

6. Hollanders drown fried patato-sticks (Chips) in litres of mayonnaise and put it in a pointed paper bag. This is called : “Een patatje met”. One such bag is able to keep you alive for an unlimited period of time. It is only uncertain if this is a life worth living.  (Oh YUMMIE! I love it!)

7. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in mind it is very easy to cope with most Hollanders. If you ever get in an argument with a Hollander, tell him he was absolutely right and that you now realize how wrong you were. Now he will go crazy: Since you’re a foreigner, you can never be right. You agree with him, therefore he couldn’t be right. Impossible. He’s a Hollander. But…then…he…Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander will try to strangle himself with a tulip. (LOL! The point is … we ARE always right … aren’t we?)

8. Whether you’re catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl the god of all Honest politicians, in Holland it will be easy to find a church, temple or oak tree of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant to other religions and believes. This is not true. The only reason Holland has so much churches, sects or cults is the fact they have a difference in opinion about everything. A Hollander is always right and everyone that does not agree can beat it and start his own church. (Hmmm … this is sadly true, yes)

9. It would be wise to learn how to swim before you come to Holland. No, the dikes will hold, that’s not the problem, but the large amount of lakes, streams, rivers canals and creaks could lead to painful mistakes. That shiny new strip of asphalt you’re turning on to with your car during rain might not be an asphalt road at all. (The green you thought to be grass is probably no grass either  … it could be very well duck-weed! So be prepared to swim!)

10.Holland has more cities then Amsterdam. There is…eh…and…Well, there are more cities.(At least one more … LOL … as I don’t live in Amsterdam!)

I hope you enjoyed this little look into the Dutch particularities. We are very nice, though … just a little strange, LOL

Categories: Netherlands | Tags: , , | 12 Comments

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12 thoughts on “Those weird Hollanders

  1. is #6 for real? wow! :-)

  2. You’re right.

  3. Quite humorous. Sometimes I do wish we could take the country inside. Why don’t they build more large geodesic domes. We could open it when things got dry. Or would condensation eventually fall?

    Is there any hope for a non-swimmer?

  4. I loved this! Chuckled all the way through. Those drop….. they’re salty, aren’t they? I tasted it once. I don’t like liquorice… even sweet, but was persuaded to try the salty version. I think my face must have been priceless ;) Ah…. and rollmops. My gran loved it. I can’t understand that love. Not at all. Wonder why you don’t wear wooden shoes? I believe they’re really comfortable. Jurgis nearly fell asleep in one haha! Ok, that was at the factory where they had a giant shoe. I’d make a dreadful noise walking. That would put me off.

    • missriete

      I LOVE salty drops. As most Dutch I’m hooked on them. But they are notoriously bad for your blood pressure (because of the salt).
      Rolmops is delicious! Sour herring with pickle (?), yummie!!
      Does it show I’m totally Dutch? LOL

      • tintalasia

        No… not really… it just shows you as being…. well… slightly disturbed *laughing*

  5. I know some Hollenders..and now I’m laughing! so that’s why..hmm!

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